Therapy for the Depressed Soul

Second week in Melbourne and I still miss home. It still hurts to remember what I left behind as it hurts to imagine what life would be like if I never left. But whether I like it or not, I'm stuck here in Melbourne.

Don't get me wrong, it's not all that bad. Food's better, shopping's better, electronics are somewhat cheaper.

But I still miss home...

A guy I met here, Malaysian Chinese named Henry asked me...well...this is how it went:

H: "So how do you like Melbourne?"
Z: "It's not bad I guess. Still a bit homesick though."
H: "Really? But here there's no one to nag you."

That's when it hit me. Maybe I miss being nagged.

I miss looking outside at 6 in the evening while the sun is still up.
I miss driving to e@Curve to buy a new game.
I miss playing FIFA 10's Manager Mode and yelling at the TV when I miss a goal.
I miss rolling my eyes when my older brother watches Ben 10.
I miss complaining to myself when my maid makes rice for dinner.
I miss connecting my laptop to the HD TV and watching HD YouTube videos.
I miss stable internet connection.
I miss calling my best friend in the middle of the night to talk about stuff.
I miss my bed and how comfortable it was.
I miss falling asleep on my carpet.
I miss waiting for the water to heat up before I take a shower.
I miss going to McD late in the night for supper with my brother.
I miss yelling random Arnold Schwarzenegger quotes with my best friend.
I miss going to Starbucks at Centrepoint almost every day.
I miss singing along to music in the car as my brother drives us around.
I miss the long queue at GSC.
I miss Little J and Marshall and our OS2 failed attempts.
I miss calling my brother to ask him what time he's coming over.
I miss calling the guard to inform them that my brother is coming over.
I miss sitting with my little brother.
I miss dropping off my older brother's laundry at his place at 10 on a Sunday night.
I miss the lousy and cheesy ads on Astro.
I miss my Sony PlayStation 3 80GB.
I miss my New Moon poster.
I miss my Batman poster.
I miss sleeping in everyday.
I miss my graphic novel collection.
I miss looking up at my shelf and seeing all the memorabilia that I've collected.
I miss coming home to a clean room.
I miss coming home to an uncleaned room and complaining about it.
I miss my friends.
I miss my family.
I miss watching repeats on Star Movies and HBO.
I miss when they censor the word 'Ass' on TV.
I miss being in the middle of a conversation and getting cut off and cursing Maxis.
I miss going to a 7 Eleven and buying 2 bottles of Red Tea, 2 bottles of Green Tea, and 4 cans of coffee.
I miss going back and forth with my brother or best friend about what to have for dinner.
I miss writing a KOI post and getting a call regarding it 20 minutes later.
I miss the ungodly humid heat that only Malaysia can offer.
I miss...I miss home...

This is Home

After 6 months of doing utterly nothing and talking to just about everybody I know about it. I'm finally here in Melbourne, Australia.

I'll admit when I was at the LCCT back home about to pass the security gate, I looked back at my father and brother waving goodbye, it almost brought a tear to my eye (but there were people around so I had to restrain myself). But I guess it was mostly because I was having a major flashback from that security gate until we took off. Because at one moment, I was checking in and laughing and irritating my brother with a line from Inception (awesome movie) and the next I'm waving at my dad and brother as I leave.

But I guess the only time it hit me the hardest was when I was with Aris in the hotel room. He was being a pain as usual, and I was trying to counter his unwavering irritance. So I played the 'Round and Round' music video from my laptop but because it was 1080 HD, my laptop had a little trouble playing smoothly. Then, I said to him...

"Don't worry, when I get home I'll play this on my HD-"

Then I just stopped and I realized that my home is now here in Melbourne and not in KL.

When I went to sleep that night I was thinking of all the stuff I won't be doing. Like no more going out to 1 Utama and The Curve. No more playing FIFA 10 while my brother listens to me yell at the TV. No more going to Starbucks in Centrepoint just before midnight. The thought of all that kept me up and I really couldn't sleep. For God's sake, I slept at like 3am and woke up at 6.45am (1am - 4.45am, Malaysian time). Obviously I was earliest to wake up. So stepped out to the balcony and looked over the city and I kept repeating to myself...

"This is Home."

If I was in the A-Team, a plan would never come together...

A day almost a year in the making...foiled.

Seriously I'm so ticked off at myself right now! The one week I finally get Little J and Marshall together, free for the long anticipated Operation Stayover II, I screw up.

Doesn't help that Jun-Elle is going to Amsterdam and I'm leaving in 18 days!

Arrghh!!!

If my Grandpa wasn't already upset with me, I may have been able to ditch that party (which, let's face it, I'm being forced to go to). I don't sing and I don't get along with relatives I don't even know!

Brief run through on what could have happened and what is going to happen...

What was supposed to happen:

• I go to dinner with Little J and Marshall at 7, we go for dinner and maybe a movie. Then go back to my place. We chill, talk, and laugh for a few minutes and fire up Guitar Hero. Then, when we get bored, we watch TV or better yet, a DVD box set. Then I'd tweet about how awesome the night is going and Marshall would be using is DSLR and firing everywhere. The next morning, they go home and I'll say to myself, "I love it when a plan comes together." and go into my Grandpas party full of vigor and happiness that the week has gone super awesome. Then go home and tell the brother about how awesome the week has been.

What is going to happen:

• I get a text from Little J saying she can't make it on Wednesday, I go to my grandpa's birthday with the thought of my screw in the back of my head. Obviously, unhappy. I sit there in that dark room with listening to my step grandma and my grandpa and some other guests sing to some ungodly old Malay tunes. I hang with my cousins and uncle and then my uncle goes to sing and I complain to my cousins about what was supposed to happen. They sympathize with me. I go home and spend a night of supposed awesomeness alone and scrambling to re-plan OS2. Next morning I text Little J and she says she's free next week and then I text Marshall and he says he can't make it. I get further pissed and grumble to my brother about what was supposed to happen.

Call me the drama king but...

I HATE IT WHEN A PLAN FALLS APART!!!

Get Ready to Get Even

4 weeks. I can't believe in about 4 weeks, I'm going to live in another country. Wow.

Well I'm not gonna think about. Not yet anyway.

With everyday that passes, I find myself having less and less to do. Usually I find things do look forward to for everyday of the week. Though generally it's the same thing over and over again.

Tuesdays in particular are awesome for television viewing simply because of...

I simply love this show. I know it's odd. But I love this concept of getting even and how organized they are. Each character brings their unique spin on everything and also have their own skills in which they specialize. I remember the first time I caught this show I was actually channel surfing and this was on. Been watching since.

But hey there are other shows I watch like GLEE and 90210. But then I realized I only liked those shows because of eye candy (DIANNA AGRON for GLEE and JESSICA STROUP for 90210). Well 

OK I liked Glee eventually because Sue Sylvester is my television mentor.

But hey I'm also a fan of the classics. Think back to the time before The Twilight Saga influenced television and vampire perceptions (TRUE BLOOD). There was of course...

and

Yeah I'm a fan of classic vamps. You know the type that actually gets burned in sunlight? Stake to the heart? Drinks blood? No? Well then you're perception of a vampire is that of a fairy in Forks, Washington.

I loved the story of ANGEL in a sense where he was a vampire with a soul and I'm a sucker for a story with a brooding hero. As for Buffy, I like how she's trying to be a normal girl in a not-so-normal world with a not-so normal destiny and let's face it...I'M A SUCKER FOR BLONDES who wear black and kick ass...or I'll settle for freaky interior decor designs and plays the guitar.

While we're on the subject of people who lived for centuries.

I'd like to go back to the Old West...specifically to...

I just finished this game and it is FREAKING AWESOME. I paid RM 210 for it and it was worth every cent. The story is long and the script is compelling, the details in the graphics are spot on, and everything makes you feel like you're in the Old West. What more can you ask for?

Speaking of video games, I watched...

The movie wasn't too bad. I found the movie entertaining and it was cool to see the Prince actually do some of the moves he does in the game. However, I found myself looking at it as more of an Assassin's Creed movie instead in terms of the stunts. The script was funny when the situations were dire which watered down the importance of the situation. But it made up for it's flaws with GEMMA ARTERTON.

Half the time the movie was playing, I was only paying attention to her and not the dialogue. Seriously, her character alone is worth the watch. I call her a driving hazard because every time I drive pass the Prince of Persia movie billboard, I look at her and not the bloody Johor drivers.

Well that's a wrap I guess...

Later...

Melbourne: You're damned if you do, you're damned if you don't

I wonder why I feel so stuck nowadays. Probably because I'm not doing anything. Hard to believe in 2 months I'll be facing a completely new reality.

No maids.

No PS3.

No dart board.

No parents.

Counting down the months...

1. January
2. February
3. March
4. April
5. May
6. June
7. July

It's a little overwhelming to think about it. But here's something a little more overwhelming. Chances are that I may not go. RMIT still hasn't gotten back to me about my acceptance. Now I'm in a little panic mode. It's like they never accepted me but don't have the courtesy to tell me.

If they have accepted me and it is confirmed that I'm going then the mere thought of it is somewhat...frightening. Like there'll be no more weekend visits from my brother and here's the kicker,

I ain't coming back next February. Which means I'll be away for at least 9 months I guess.

Also, the whole leaving everything behind situation. All my friends, my home, my family. This is starting to feel like the end of an era.

My mom is going to be in Switzerland for 3 years starting June. I'm going to be away for 3 years starting July.

...and what if Aris doesn't go?

The plan after all was the two of us are supposed to go together.

But he hasn't handed in his grades to AusEd, what if he doesn't go? Am I supposed to go alone?

It's funny because at first I was supposed to go to Adelaide with Omer. Then I was supposed to go to Melbourne with Omer in February. Now I'm supposed to go with Aris in July. But what if he can't make it?

All this time I knew I was leaving but I at least had the comfort of knowing I would be going with someone I could trust. But the game has changed and I have to consider the possibility that I may going alone.

...and if I don't end up going?

Well, I see it as a whole year wasted. Which is something I'm trying to avoid.

I wonder how my mom looks so unconcerned. She's leaving in about just over a month and she just looks cool.

Whatever it is, May is going to be the big deciding month. If nothing is sorted by the end of May then it looks like I'll be staying here. One way or another, May will answer everything.

Let God's Love be With You

...and you'll never see that title on my blog till I'm a born again Muslim.

Anyhow, just another boring sleepy week. *Sigh*

When is my car coming!?

Damn you Kedah JPJ guy.

I noticed I have a knack for being depressed from out of nowhere. Like an addiction to depression. I just sit in my room alone and without a sound I'll just feel depressed. This used to help a lot with my KOI writings. But now that everything is wonderful in the KOI Universe. I have no use for this depressive nature of mine.

I guess it all started with 'The Crow'. I've made it no secret that 'The Crow' is my favorite movie of all-time. Considering I haven't watched the whole Lord of The Rings or Matrix trilogies or The Shawshank Redemption, I'd say my movie savvy ain't as good as most people (I even thought Edward Scissorhand was mentally disturbing). Anyway, The Crow is a pretty sad movie based on the comic where the main character cuts himself out of depression but he's an undead so it heals up pretty fast. With that said, I guess it's no wonder why I'm often moody.

Also, I recently made a playlist on my iTunes entitled 'Sleep Tunes' which encompasses the following:

1. No More Wishing - Hayley Taylor
2. Forever and Always (Piano Version) - Taylor Swift
3. In The Sun - Joseph Arthur
4. Candles - Hey Monday
5. Lucy - Skillet
6. Fireflies - Owl City
7. Invisible Man - 98 Degrees
8. Unraveling - Julianne Hough
9. All We Ever Do is Say Goodbye - John Mayer
10. Friends, Lovers, or Nothing - John Mayer
11. Confessions (Part II) - Usher
12. Burn - Usher

In case you haven't guessed it, Sleep Tunes is a playlist which helps me sleep.

Take out Owl City and every song in there is bound to make someone depressed.

I tear before sleeping as well. Every night, after half an hour I shed a single tear or more even if I'm happy. So I Googled 'Tears in Sleep' and found a poem.

Man I should really see someone about this issue.

Later.

P.S: Before you start judging my music taste, Usher in 2004 was good. Invisible Man is meaningful in the lyrics department and Julianne Hough...is well...er...boring...so she helps me sleep. She was good once but then she sounded way to much like Miley Cyrus.

Not Been the Happiest Camper

The viper mentality.

I suppose is what you can call it.

I shut myself from people. I work alone.

I like that but sometimes...

...I forget how to react to people.

Well, last week I realized this more than anything else.

Never once have I refused to go out with my best friend if I could help it.

Last week I did.

Why?

I honestly have no reason to.

But I guess, I've become a solitary creature.

Like a viper, I'm hostile to those who come close to me.

I'm not that person deep down.

I'm a social person with boundaries.

So if I acted hostile recently, now you know.

I'm stuck in my own prison. Just waiting for my parole to come by.